And, we are off!

All the feels and all the fun.

2/28:

And, we are off!

What a mix of emotions and logistics working both sides of your brain at the same time. I don’t know that I’ve ever left for this long - six weeks in the grand scheme is not a long long time, but in this moment with a five-year-old - six weeks away feels like forever. So our journey begins. As I turned off the thermostat and shut down the house today, saying a little prayer that the house stands and everyone returns now its a mix of apprehensive worry, and a little bit of excitement to see what it all looks like.

So here we are in airplane/airport, in the in-between…the mix of all the thoughts. Halfway between what did I forget and what will the next thing hold? I can’t shake the feeling that, (actually I feel sure of it) we will be different people after this. That’s what the big moments do, right? They change us. Grief, loss, birth, navigating big changes in jobs, in relationships…all of it, shaping us, forging a new path, making us different people on one side than we were when we started.

I’m ready to begin. While I’m apprehensive, I’m also ready. We’ve waited for five years. That said, I’m not, as some have said, “excited” - I’d of course, rather that a miracle take place and spine’s are magically healed, but alas, as much as I wish for it, that’s not gonna happen. So we go forward, we cross the rubicon, (yes, I’m dramatic) and we hope that the permanent changes that are made are for the better.

One thing I am excited about is to put my eyes on the hospital. We come to Philly every year so I’ve seen the outpatient, just never the live-in area. To be honest, as a visual person, that part has been hard. Not knowing what things look like. I’ve spent way too many hours googling pictures of the hospital; I’ve basically stalked the hospitals social media just searching for any glimpses of one of the hospital rooms. The playroom is all I can find. I wish I could see a typical room, even if it’s not the same room. I wish I could be the type of person that’s like, “no worries, we will just see when we get there”. But I’m not. I recognize it’s ultimately centered around the desire for control, but that’s the elusive part of all of this — control, in life, is after all, just an illusion.

The first halo surgery was already moved. It’s this Friday instead of Tuesday…but it reminded me that the only certainty is change (thank Claire for this reminder!). This particular change ended up being great - because now Brooks can enjoy all the things. So these introverts are going to go to all the things! I’ll post some pics of our adventures!